Teachers Can Make a Difference -- Even to Parents

My kids have had, and continue to have awesome and incredibly influential and inspiring teachers in their lives.  Growing up, I can definitely remember the teachers that made a difference in my education and life choices as well. Less often, do teachers actually make a significant change to how parents think about their kids' education and life. 

A few days ago I was looking up my daughter's grades and progress online on the high school's web site.  She's been having a challenging Junior year -- AP classes, full schedule, preparing for SATs, wanting her driver's license, babysitting to earn extra cash, starting the college investigation, staying up-to-date on all the social media and text messages, and keeping her room clean and organized.  Okay totally made up that last one.

In any case, it's been challenging. I don't make a daily habit of checking her progress, but she's mentioned issues in some of her classes.  One teacher is difficult to follow, another class has disruptive "idiots", essay overload in AP classes.  I didn't find anything surprising or that bad, but her grades weren't improving and there were some scores that were completely avoidable.  But in my mind it's as if she was failing all her classes, when that was far from reality.

So I wrote her an email message.  I am the sort of person who doesn't speak well -- in front of an audience of 500 or 1.  I can't think and speak very well at the same time and then don't react fast enough for any sort of coherent response.  Writing for me is much easier.  I can take the time to think about what I want to say, write it down, and then think and revise if necessary.  No wonder I'm a technical writer.  But ask me to present in front of a meeting or confront somebody face-to-face and I break out in a cold sweat.

I was probably harsher than I should have been in this email to my daughter.  I showed my disappointment in her work, pointed out things that she's not doing correctly (in my opinion), and basically said that it's her future and college chances that are on the line.  Basically, I gave her a huge guilt trip.  But at the time I was incredibly upset.   There goes my hope of seeing my daughter as class valedictorian and I wouldn't be able to brag about all the colleges she gets accepted into.  Yes, at that moment it was about me.  I hit "send." But I didn't feel any better.  If anything, I still had that empty pit gnawing at the bottom of my chest feeling.

I later found out that she read that email in class and started crying.  Horrible mom moment. But wasn't that the reaction I wanted?  Didn't I want her to see the error of her ways and feel the pain that I was feeling?  Did I?

No less than an hour after I sent that email, I received an email message from my daughter's chemistry teacher.  The subject line was "Sally's chemistry performance."  (we'll call my daughter Sally to protect her real name cuz I know it just wouldn't be cool for anybody she knows to read this and know it's her)  Before I even read the email message, I guessed that this wasn't good news. Her chemistry grade went down in the past few weeks.  My daughter says that the "idiots" in her class are disruptive and make it difficult to concentrate but that she talked with the teacher about it.  So, with trepidation, I read the email message:

Mrs. K,

As I was sending out my 12 weeks grades I thought about Sally and how well she is doing in my class. In a class that I have to yell at daily for not doing their homework, not studying, and basically not caring, it is refreshing to have a dedicated student like Sally. She always has her homework done, and I never ever have to ask her to get back on task. Just last class, I confiscated 4 cell phones because people were either not taking notes or doing the practice problems.

I want to thank you for raising such a wonderful daughter. She is truly a pleasure to have in my class.

I read it twice.  After the second time, I was crying.  Was it because it was such a nice thing to say? Or was it because I felt rotten after scolding my daughter in my email message? 

I replied to the teacher thanking her for such a nice note.  These days, if you receive communication from your child's high school teacher, it's not usually good news.  The fact that this teacher took the time to write something nice and positive about a student was incredibly touching.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about this and about my two reactions.  In the first case, I was upset and disappointed. But telling my daughter about it (in an email) didn't help any of those feelings and just made things worse (for both her and for me).  The note from the teacher moved me but I couldn't quite figure out why.  Sure it's always good to hear nice things about your kids from other people.  But why did I have such an emotional reaction?

Later that evening, after talking with my daughter about the events, I figured it out.  I tried to tell her why but couldn't get the words out in the way that I wanted.  That note made me proud.  More proud than I could be if she came home with straight A's (though that would still be very nice!).  It's wonderful and very rewarding to do well in school and get good grades.  But I think that to be the kind of person who gets a teacher to send a complimentary note fills me with incredible pride.  It makes me feel like she will get far in life because she knows how to treat people, respect people, and manage difficult situations.

So in writing this, I wanted to actually put my thoughts down so my daughter can read and understand that while I will probably never stop harping on her about her homework and grades, I love her and am so proud of the person she has become.  I'd love her to excel in school, but even more, I want her to excel in life and to be somebody who she likes and who others respect.